I have a co-worker, about 45 (probably older), who was coming back from smoking and said did you know you can see the moon out during the day that is really weird. I figure if it took her that long to realize that, there is no need for me to even bother trying basic quantum physics.
She probably just read last night about a cat that wears a hat-who is this Dr. Seuss guy?
Her retirement might be the hope that her reading level will be high enough to start the coveted Harry Potter books.
I think she called in last week because no one was home to tie her shoes for her.
And yet here she is working with me. I am sure no one can tell why she annoys me.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The great part of being Deaf
You know there are a lot of pluses to being deaf. First of all if you have a co-worker that never shuts up you'd never have to hear them.
If you have a child that cries all through the night you'd never have to hear them.
If your girl gets mad and starts screaming and yelling all you would see was her lips moving and possibly a slight vibration from the sounds that she is producing.
When you were in the bathroom you wouldn't have to dread hearing the guy in the next stall by you.
You wouldn't hear people honk on yor commute to and from work.
If your wife stays up late to watch tv you could jsut fall asleep as the noise wouldn't keep you up anymore.
The best part I saved for last: When you go shooting you don't have to wear ear plugs.
If you have a child that cries all through the night you'd never have to hear them.
If your girl gets mad and starts screaming and yelling all you would see was her lips moving and possibly a slight vibration from the sounds that she is producing.
When you were in the bathroom you wouldn't have to dread hearing the guy in the next stall by you.
You wouldn't hear people honk on yor commute to and from work.
If your wife stays up late to watch tv you could jsut fall asleep as the noise wouldn't keep you up anymore.
The best part I saved for last: When you go shooting you don't have to wear ear plugs.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Black Birds and a Cherry Tree
We have a cherry tree in our back yard that has been my joy for the past few months. It had been growing so many cherries that some of the limbs were even starting to bend down from the extra weight. The tree is probably about 30 feet high and we expected to be eating cherries clear up until august off the tree.
I had gone out and picked about 350 cherries one evening that weren't sweet enough yet but they were good enough to eat. I made up my mind that every week I would go out and pick a couple hundred as a nice sunday night treat.
We got home from church and went out in the backyard to eat and relax in the shade.
I saw the tree and few birds in it but couldn't figure out what was wrong, until my wife says go ahead count all teh cherried the birds left us. I tried looking and I couldn't see anything I thought this was some sick joke because the day before they were just about the perfect color. I came up and sure enough the birds had eaten at least 10,000 cherries my rough but conservative estimate of what we planned to have. I was sad to say the least so if no one gets homemade cherry jam for Christmas you will now know why.
I had gone out and picked about 350 cherries one evening that weren't sweet enough yet but they were good enough to eat. I made up my mind that every week I would go out and pick a couple hundred as a nice sunday night treat.
We got home from church and went out in the backyard to eat and relax in the shade.
I saw the tree and few birds in it but couldn't figure out what was wrong, until my wife says go ahead count all teh cherried the birds left us. I tried looking and I couldn't see anything I thought this was some sick joke because the day before they were just about the perfect color. I came up and sure enough the birds had eaten at least 10,000 cherries my rough but conservative estimate of what we planned to have. I was sad to say the least so if no one gets homemade cherry jam for Christmas you will now know why.
True Story
I went to sell a broken iphone on ksl this last week. Well I had called up a few different people most didn't want to drive out and pick it up. I got one guy that finally said he'd pick it up and I went and met up and sold it to him. I didn't know what to say to the other kid that still wanted it but thought I should probably send him an email with an excuse so he won't feel bad. I just told him my little brother took it and thought he could fix it. I got an email back and he said actually it was my brother that bought it from you yesterday so its all good.
I felt worse now that he knew I had tried to just give him an excuse for not calling him back but he didn't want to drive out and get it. So I just replied okay sorry I am non confrontational and hate telling people when I have already sold an item to someone else. So far he hasn't sent back a response but what are the chances that two of the asian brother with different last names of do and truong happen to be real brothers and in contact that much.
Well it was humurous to me next time I sell an item I will have to inquire do you have any other family members trying to buy this item.
I felt worse now that he knew I had tried to just give him an excuse for not calling him back but he didn't want to drive out and get it. So I just replied okay sorry I am non confrontational and hate telling people when I have already sold an item to someone else. So far he hasn't sent back a response but what are the chances that two of the asian brother with different last names of do and truong happen to be real brothers and in contact that much.
Well it was humurous to me next time I sell an item I will have to inquire do you have any other family members trying to buy this item.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I can't see why I hit your car.
All the time when I come through my neighborhood I continually want to ram into vehicles that are parked right where you are supposed to turn. As I drove through Eagle mountain last week I noticed several cars parked in a round about. Is our country in such bad shape that people can't even realize that this is a no parking zone. When I went to back out from the car show thats right I have 10 feet to back up a 18 foot truck because someone is too lazy to find a parking spot so they park by a curb and go in not ever thinking that this guy is crazy enough to plow right into my beloved H2, or lincoln navigator. If you love a vehicle enough to spend that kind of money on it use your brain enough to realize that the safest spot is in a stall. I was able to barely wiggle out enough to leave but it was barely.
I have thought of a few things that I am going to try from now on.
I am going to keep a can of red paint in my vehicle then if I don't like them I will paint the curb red and call the police to ticket them.
I am sure you have put slime in your bike tires once or twice before to keep them from going flat if you run over a thorn well I will take the cap and let all of their tires run flat so they can realize how inconvienced we all were as well.
I will join triple A just enough to have them come out and "unlock my vehicle"-Sir I don't see your keys and the alarm is still going. Oh no worries let me throw in this stink bomb, lock the door for them shut it back up oops mine is over there well thanks for your help anyways honest mistake how could I get this buick aspen mistaken with my toyota corolla.
These are the nice things I will do.
But if I get really angry I am just going to plow into someones vehicle at 40 miles per hour and say I didn't even see them, their brake lights must not be working. When the cops show up and say this vehicle was in park sir, I will just reply really how could a vehicle be in park in a roundabout, or how could this vehicle be in park right where you turn out onto the street? The driver must have run off when I passed out momentarily from the collision.
If those don't work I will get my own tow truck company and tow the vehicle at owners expense to a yard then notify them 7 days later saying you still haven't picked up your vehicle the fine has now doubled plus our daily holding rate for a full week has also doubled including the daily rate is still being accrued for your vehicle. They can pay me for being a jerk.
Finally my last option will be manufacturing a wheel boot to put on their vehicles tires. I will put one on both of the side tires with a number to my companies headquarters. When they call I will take my sweet time to get there. Like a couple of hours then I will take a while in my vehicle to eat my dinner that I just got. After that I will get out and explain that I need the payment in cash form only because of our recent problem with credit card holders. When they finally pay the $140 fee I will take off the first boot, go in my truck for a while and act like I am processing things. Then I will go out and they will say alright its been like 4 hours take off the other boot and I will say ma'am you have to pay the processing fee for that boot as well. Do you have cash to pay it at this time or should I come back later. When they send someone as pissed off as they can be to get cash I will say call our number when they return and we will send someone out to get the other one off. Then when they return 5 minutes after I left I will go and see a movie and go back out to the place and say oh its you again as they think the same things I will again be just finishing my dinner and getting the boot lock code info put in the system as is compnay procedure to process this properly, take their money a second time only this time it will be more since it was their second offense meaning they parked it there long enough to receive a second infraction. Then I will take it off and say as kindly as possible have a nice day.
If I was a real jerk I would find out where they live and then put the boot on their vehicle while they slept. So they go out to go to work back up and pop their tire and then get out to see another boot only this time the number for the boot will go to a line that says thank you for realizing you are a jerk, the first step is jerk recognition. Say it with me I am a jerk I need help to quit being a jerk. The line will go on and on for hours, but they will never get results, and if they try to call me on the number from the day before I will answer with Dominoes pizza can you hold please?
I have thought of a few things that I am going to try from now on.
I am going to keep a can of red paint in my vehicle then if I don't like them I will paint the curb red and call the police to ticket them.
I am sure you have put slime in your bike tires once or twice before to keep them from going flat if you run over a thorn well I will take the cap and let all of their tires run flat so they can realize how inconvienced we all were as well.
I will join triple A just enough to have them come out and "unlock my vehicle"-Sir I don't see your keys and the alarm is still going. Oh no worries let me throw in this stink bomb, lock the door for them shut it back up oops mine is over there well thanks for your help anyways honest mistake how could I get this buick aspen mistaken with my toyota corolla.
These are the nice things I will do.
But if I get really angry I am just going to plow into someones vehicle at 40 miles per hour and say I didn't even see them, their brake lights must not be working. When the cops show up and say this vehicle was in park sir, I will just reply really how could a vehicle be in park in a roundabout, or how could this vehicle be in park right where you turn out onto the street? The driver must have run off when I passed out momentarily from the collision.
If those don't work I will get my own tow truck company and tow the vehicle at owners expense to a yard then notify them 7 days later saying you still haven't picked up your vehicle the fine has now doubled plus our daily holding rate for a full week has also doubled including the daily rate is still being accrued for your vehicle. They can pay me for being a jerk.
Finally my last option will be manufacturing a wheel boot to put on their vehicles tires. I will put one on both of the side tires with a number to my companies headquarters. When they call I will take my sweet time to get there. Like a couple of hours then I will take a while in my vehicle to eat my dinner that I just got. After that I will get out and explain that I need the payment in cash form only because of our recent problem with credit card holders. When they finally pay the $140 fee I will take off the first boot, go in my truck for a while and act like I am processing things. Then I will go out and they will say alright its been like 4 hours take off the other boot and I will say ma'am you have to pay the processing fee for that boot as well. Do you have cash to pay it at this time or should I come back later. When they send someone as pissed off as they can be to get cash I will say call our number when they return and we will send someone out to get the other one off. Then when they return 5 minutes after I left I will go and see a movie and go back out to the place and say oh its you again as they think the same things I will again be just finishing my dinner and getting the boot lock code info put in the system as is compnay procedure to process this properly, take their money a second time only this time it will be more since it was their second offense meaning they parked it there long enough to receive a second infraction. Then I will take it off and say as kindly as possible have a nice day.
If I was a real jerk I would find out where they live and then put the boot on their vehicle while they slept. So they go out to go to work back up and pop their tire and then get out to see another boot only this time the number for the boot will go to a line that says thank you for realizing you are a jerk, the first step is jerk recognition. Say it with me I am a jerk I need help to quit being a jerk. The line will go on and on for hours, but they will never get results, and if they try to call me on the number from the day before I will answer with Dominoes pizza can you hold please?
My favorite thing about driving in Utah is you always know when you have someone from out of town. You'll be driving along at your normal 7-9 miles over the speed limit when you see others swerving into the other lanes to avoid someone driving 7-9 miles below the speed limit. They used to just be people from Idaho but that has recently changed to people from Oregon. I'll tell you this much if their whole state was burning up and falling in the ocean I would not want to be on the coastline trying to cross into montana. they have a weird belief that you still would drive 10 under the speed limit just to be safe. Maybe that is the problem with Utah since we pay taxes here and they don't maybe we get all edgy or maybe its the fact that we pump our own gas in Utah. The fumes have soaked into our brains.
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